....even though my baby is gone.
Things have been hectic and busy lately, as they usually are with six (living) children. We started school last week, and I have finally come up with a school schedule that I think I might be able to manage....of course, we are less than a week in, but I'll maintain my optimism.
But tonight, the sadness hit me again. I watched my slideshow again, and then I listened to the song that really makes me cry - Do You Realize
and I cried and cried and cried. When I listen to this song, I feel like my heart is being ripped apart and I just want to hold my baby again. I'm so sad that I never got to know her alive. I've probably said that before on this blog, but what else do I have to talk about? I had such a very short amount of time with her and not one moment with her alive. Okay, that's not true, I had her inside of me for almost nine months while she was alive. And maybe if I were a better mother, I would have bonded with her more while she was still inside me. But I feel like I bonded more with her dead body. I don't know what that means, so I won't try to analyze it.
A few weeks ago we went four-wheeling Josh's Toyota. It can hold exactly eight people. While I was still pregnant, we had talked about going four-wheeling before the baby came since we would no longer all fit in Josh's car afterword. We all had fun, but it just kills me that our fun outing was enabled by the death of my baby. I recognize that it would be stupid to never do anything again that we wouldn't have been able to do had Lillianna lived, but still...
Had she been born alive, she would have been 5 months old tomorrow. Really more like four months, since she probably would have stayed inside of me for another month or so had there not been a knot in her cord. I have the cutest Naartje outfit that Jane wore for size 3-6 months. It is such a precious, darling, tiny little outfit. I never ended up putting it away, so every time I fold laundry it is there at the bottom of the clean laundry basket. By now she would have been wearing it and looking so dainty and feminine and sweet. I wonder how it would have fit her at this point.
Dominic and Jane both became nursing monsters when my milk came in after Lillianna was born. It was initially welcome as I needed help with engorgement. Recently, I have become fed up with nursing the giants as often as they would like so I have begun extensively limiting their sessions. Had Lillianna been born alive, I would still be a full time nurser of a baby who needed it. So why am I fed up with nursing the giants? Does it mean I would be fed up with nursing her if she were here? It seems unlikely, since I have never resented nursing a baby before. Still it feels like I am betraying her somehow that I am annoyed by nursing the others.
There is a grief support meeting this coming Tuesday. I have only been once before, but I think I should go. It would be good to make time just for Lillianna since there doesn't seem to be time to feel sad for her during most days. I'm kind of depressed.
