As I was thinking today about what I should give up for lent I remembered that last year Lillianna died shortly after Lent began. At the beginning of Lent we had a family discussion about what sacrifices we would make as a family as well as individual sacrifices. Then, six days later, I gave birth to my stillborn baby. Some time shortly after that, we ordered take out. Our kids were quick to remind us that take-out was one thing we had given up for lent. In my mind I thought, "Who cares, I gave up my baby for Lent instead." To the kids I just said, "Many of the things we had planned, not only for Lent but for everything, have changed. Things are hard right now and even though we haven't stuck to our original plans, we should still each try to think of small sacrifices me can make every day instead."
I knew, even at the time that my internal resentful attitude was wrong. I couldn't very well claim to have given up my baby for lent when I had absolutely no choice in the matter. Nevertheless, I didn't feel I had the strength at that time to stick with my Lenten sacrifices. I cringed inside whenever the kids brought it up because I knew I was not providing a good example for them when we should have been turning to God more than ever.
This year, some of my strength has been renewed, though I haven't decided yet what to give up. But I am determined to make the Lenten season count and resonate and edify us as a family.
My sweet Lillianna, pray for us.
