....Birthday....

So, besides the anniversary of "all the sad things" having me out of sorts, the dates of everything are really bugging me too.  For one thing, I've always gotten a huge kick out of the whole "Ides of March" thing, but now it seems that the joke is on me.  For another thing, while March 15th was her birthday, there was nothing happy about it.  It was a bad, terrible, awful, sad day, so how can I say or even think "happy" birthday?  I can't really.  And even further, March 15th wasn't even her death day.  I don't even know exactly when she died.  So this date of March 15th seems awfully arbitrary...it neither celebrates her life, nor commemorates her death.  It WAS the day I got to see her and hold her, so I guess there is that.  So we will use it because it is the only date we have.

Alexandra and the twins made cards for Lillianna and we took them to the cemetery.  We released balloons and prayed a decade of the rosary - the Carrying of the Cross.  And to be honest again, though I fear it reflects some fundamental flaw within me, I hate going to the cemetery.  It's not that I have an apprehension about going, or that I feel extra sad there....it really just does nothing for me except make me grouchy.  We stand there around a patch of dirt and I know it's supposed to somehow be meaningful for me, but it's just not.  So I'm irritable because I know I'm not getting whatever it is I'm supposed to be getting out of it.  But I think it's important to have some sort of tradition or ritual for the other children, so at least once a year we will do it.

On top of that, her grave marker was missing.  We sort of guessed where she was, and Josh went to the office to get the exact location.  We were only one grave off.  The little guys had a grand old time running around while we waited for Josh to get back, but Jane kept threatening to topple into a freshly dug hole.  I found that unpleasant.   I do feel more strongly about getting a proper headstone for her soon though.  Playing "guess which grave" every year will not likely do much to alleviate the difficulty that I have with  cemeteries.  We did see one headstone near Lilliana's grave that had a picture of the baby who was buried there on it.  I liked that and I think I would like to do that for Lillianna.  Being able to look at her picture while we visit her grave might help me to feel more of a connection.

I have knitted a number of teeny little hats that I am planning on taking to the hospital where I gave birth, to donate for other stillborn babies.  I painted a nice little box for them.  I will probably do that within the next few days.

And then the days will keep on going and the time since I held her will grow longer and longer.  Maybe by Monday I will feel normal again and we can resume a reasonable home life and schedule.