Today I feel sad. Really really deep down heavy crushing sadness. I'd try to describe it more, and the physical sensation of sadness in my heart, but all the description that come to mind seem so cliche.
I watch Lillianna's slide show over and over. I told Josh that when I watch it I just want to live inside of the pictures so that I can hold her again. He didn't appear to relate so I asked him about that and he said, "Well, if we are wishing for things we can't have, I just wish that she never died."
That makes more sense. I, too, wish that more than anything. But it is less tangible to me. I can imagine what she would have been like alive, but I have never seen her that way. I don't know her, at least outside of my body that way. I'll try an analogy. Maybe a person who lives on the street and has no money might fantasize about winning the lottery and all of the wonderful things they would do with all of that money. But it's just a fantasy. Something they never have known, and likely they never will. So instead they might think back to a time when they had somewhere to live, even if it was just a run down little shack, and they were in debt, and rarely had enough to eat. They might long for that time back because it's the best they ever had.
I don't know how clear that analogy is and I'm pretty sure it sucks. In case it's unclear, Lillianna alive = fantasies about the lottery, something I will never know first hand; holding Lillianna dead = the run down miserable shack that I used to have and was the best I've ever known of her.
More clear? Less clear?
The fondest memories I have of my baby are in those pictures. I wish I could go back in time and hold her forever.
*No disrespect is meant to homeless people, and I'm very grateful that I have a home and food and whatnot.
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