Resonance

So I went to a fascinating new therapist who had a completely bizarre and different approach to therapy.  I don't really want to get in to detailing her techniques here, but it was intriguing to say the least.  Anyway, she told me to come back to my blog and write another post.  So that's what I'm doing even though I don't know what I want to write about at the moment.

Josh has been amazing and wonderful during his time home.  The other night at bed time, Dominic was having a temper tantrum and Josh sang "Hush Little Baby" to help sooth him and calm him down.  I didn't think anything of it at the time, but later Josh commented that it was difficult for him to sing that song again.  I had forgotten when writing Lillianna's birth story that as he carried her down the hospital hallway to tuck her into the freezer he was singing that song to her.  When he reminded me of that, I told him how glad I was for him that he thought to do all these little things with her like singing to her and swaddling her and what not.  He looked mildly surprised and said that he didn't really have to "think" to do them, those were just things he had done with all of his babies.

As we were talking, I could see how very very sad he was feeling at that moment.  My heart ached for him.  I was glad that he was talking about it and that he was crying and expressing his grief because that is the normal and right and healthy thing to do.  At the same time I wanted more than anything to take his hurt away and make it better.  Then I realized that he must feel the same towards me when I am outwardly showing my heartache and sadness.  And again I am amazed at this wonderful man that I married.  The patience and compassion and love he has freely given to me while his own heart is hurting so much...it is so deeply moving, and yet that can hurt as well.  I want to give back the selfless love and support that he has given to me and yet I feel inadequate to do so.

Moving on...

I just watched my slide show again.  It is put to the music "Time In a Bottle", which is perfect.  It is excruciating to watch.  When I see the images of me holding my sweet baby girl I'm overwhelmed by so many emotions.  I find myself smiling at her sweet little face.  I call to mind what it felt like to hold her in my arms and how her skin felt against my skin.  My arms actually start to hurt from the longing to hold her again.   I want to snuggle her into my chest and touch my lips to her face and caress her skin.  Then as the pictures go on, I see Josh holding her, kissing her, swaddling her and just fathering her and my heart breaks again for what he has lost.

I want my baby back.  I want her so much.  I have never longed for anything so much in my life.