Guilty

For the past several days I've been doing nothing but immersing myself in various baby loss blogs (well that and playing stupid arcade games on facebook), and I've noticed that most bereft parents feel a large amount of guilt, most of which is over things they had no control over whatsoever.  However, among all the irrational guilty thoughts out there, I haven't seen the one that has been itching most annoyingly at my brain.  It's a pretty crazy one, are you ready?

I feel guilty that I thought of it.  I feel guilty that I sat there ahead of time and thought of the worst possible outcome and then it happened.  It's not that I feel guilty for thinking such terrible things.  No, I think that if I hadn't thought of it, it wouldn't have happened.  If I didn't notice and obsess and worry so much and come  up with the worst case scenario, then things would have gone on as normal, and she wouldn't have been dead inside of me.  If I didn't panic and run off to the midwife there would have been nothing amiss to discover.  I would have just kept on being pregnant and given birth to a live baby maybe a week or two ago.

And since I already know how ridiculous this thought is, and that it's complete and utter nonsense, and I still feel it anyway...how do you argue with that?

Maybe if I had started off with this little gem with my therapist she would have realized that I had a whole lot more crazy going on than being religiously oppressed.