I saw the term "true knot" today to describe, well, a true knot in the umbilical cord. I'm surprised I hadn't heard this specific term before since it is exactly what happened to Lillianna and it's apparently commonly used medical terminology.
So, I've been googling "true knot" and learning all about them. Though still highly unlikely to occur, it happens more often with a longer than average cord. Apparently, the baby's activity level can be somewhat of a determining factor in cord length. The more the baby swims around the longer the cord gets. And obviously, the more the baby swims around, the more likely they are to swim a knot into the cord.
I had an anterior placenta which is not problematic other than cushioning the kicks from my baby, making movement much more difficult to detect. I have always felt fetal movement fairly early, often getting the faintest little flutters around 14 weeks. When I hadn't felt even the vaguest movement by 16 weeks I began to seriously worry. By 18 weeks I was in a full blown panic and imagining all kinds of terrible scenarios and ran off to get an ultrasound.
At that point Lilliana was fine. I have no idea when she put the knot in her cord. But maybe, just maybe, she knew that I was getting agitated and worried and she just wanted to let me know that she was okay. Maybe she started swimming around more and more trying to tell me, "it's okay mama, I'm right here, can't you feel me swimming all around?" And in her efforts to reassure me, perhaps all the while she was lengthening and stretching her cord until it was long enough to swim a knot into it.
I know she didn't mean to leave me. She was only trying to make me feel better so I wouldn't worry. But if I hadn't worried so much, maybe she would have just relaxed and slept peacefully. And right now I would be holding her and nursing her and watching her chest rise and fall as she slept.
*Yes, I'm aware that this guilt is also irrational.
Guilt may be irrational, but the human mind and heart wants to know why bad things happen. And when we can't find any reason that we can accept, we start creating reasons.
ReplyDeleteMost human emotions tend to be irrational, even love.
I know we are supposed to differentiate ourselves from the animal world because we are rational beings, but the flipside of that is, we are also irrational beings....
Did you know that a part of Lilianna will always be with you? They have shown, in natural miscarriage, that a little piece of your precious saint travels through your umbilical cord, into you. So you contain a relic of a saint within yourself. And that relic will be embedded in your body for as long as you live. --Beth
ReplyDelete